September 13, 2026
Some of us cry when we are hurting.
Others get angry.
And for many of us, anger shows up long before sadness ever does.
We feel irritated.
Defensive.
Frustrated.
Impatient.
Maybe we raise our voice.
Maybe we shut down.
Maybe we rehearse the same conversation in our heads for hours.
Maybe we tell ourselves, I just need to stop being so angry.
But what if anger is not actually the problem?
What if it is trying to tell us something deeper?
In Episode 5 of Honey For Your Heart: We Grieve Our Losses, Randy Hemphill and I talk about anger as another important doorway emotion.
For the last two episodes, we have focused on sadness and how it can lead us into grief. But sadness is not everyone’s first response to loss.
For many people, anger comes first.
And instead of simply trying to get rid of it, perhaps we need to understand what it is trying to show us.
Is Anger Actually Wrong?
For many Christians, the word anger immediately sounds negative.
We associate it with yelling, hostility, resentment, bitterness, or losing control.
And certainly, anger can become destructive.
But Scripture does not treat anger itself as automatically sinful.
Ephesians 4:26 says:
“In your anger do not sin.”
That distinction matters.
The verse does not say, “Never be angry.”
It acknowledges anger and then teaches us that what we do with anger matters.
Anger can be expressed sinfully.
But anger itself can also be a signal.
It can tell us something has been threatened.
Something feels unjust.
A boundary has been crossed.
Something valuable has been lost.
Something we love has been wounded.
That is why understanding anger is so important.
The goal is not to let anger control us.
The goal is to learn what it is trying to communicate.
God Created Anger for a Reason
Scripture even gives us examples of God expressing anger.
In Isaiah 1, God confronts empty worship, injustice, and hypocrisy.
His anger is not petty or impulsive.
It is rooted in holiness, love, and what is right.
That gives us an important framework.
Healthy anger is not simply about getting our way.
It is often connected to what we value.
When something matters deeply to us and that thing is threatened, violated, or lost, anger may rise.
The question then becomes:
What is this anger protecting?
That question can completely change the way we respond to it.
Instead of thinking, Why am I so angry?
We can begin asking:
What matters to me here?
What feels threatened?
What was lost?
What wound might this anger be standing in front of?
Anger Can Be a Companion in Grief
Randy writes, “To grieve well, we must learn to use anger rightly.”
That may sound surprising.
Most of us would never think of anger as a companion.
We are more likely to think of it as something to defeat.
But anger can play an important role in grief.
Loss often involves more than sadness.
We may also feel:
“This should not have happened.”
“This is not fair.”
“I did not deserve this.”
“I cannot believe they are gone.”
“I cannot change what happened.”
“I wish someone had protected me.”
“I wish I had done something differently.”
Those thoughts may produce anger.
And anger can sometimes keep us from becoming completely overwhelmed by vulnerability.
It gives us energy.
It tells us something matters.
It may protect a deeper layer of sorrow that we are not yet ready to access.
That does not mean anger should remain in control.
It means anger may deserve our attention before we dismiss it.
Anger Is Often Not the Wound
One of the most helpful ways to understand anger is this:
Anger is often the bodyguard standing in front of the wound.
The anger may be real.
But it may not be the deepest thing.
Underneath it there may be:
Sadness.
Fear.
Rejection.
Helplessness.
Disappointment.
Betrayal.
Loneliness.
Grief.
That is why simply telling someone to “stop being angry” rarely produces healing.
If anger is protecting something deeper, suppressing the anger does not heal the wound underneath it.
We have to become curious.
What is this anger guarding?
What hurt is underneath it?
What loss has not been named?
Exploding vs. Imploding
Anger does not look the same in everyone.
Some people explode.
Their anger moves outward.
They may yell, become aggressive, criticize, lash out, slam doors, or say things they later regret.
Others implode.
Their anger moves inward.
They may become silent.
Withdraw.
Punish themselves.
Turn resentment inward.
Become depressed, numb, perfectionistic, or chronically self-critical.
Exploding anger can damage other people.
Imploding anger can quietly damage us.
Neither is the same thing as healthy anger.
Healthy anger allows us to acknowledge what is happening without becoming destructive.
It gives anger room to “breathe” without letting it run the house.
That may mean naming what we feel.
Pausing before responding.
Talking with someone trustworthy.
Writing.
Praying.
Setting a healthy boundary.
Acknowledging what was lost.
Or simply admitting, “I am angry, and I need to understand why.”
What Does It Mean to Let Anger “Breathe”?
Randy writes that when anger never gets room to breathe, it can become destructive—like pressure building inside a volcano.
That image is helpful because suppressed anger does not necessarily disappear.
Pressure builds.
And eventually it finds somewhere to go.
Maybe outward.
Maybe inward.
Giving anger space to breathe does not mean venting without limits.
It means allowing ourselves to acknowledge it before it becomes explosive.
It means slowing down enough to notice:
What happened?
What am I feeling?
What story am I telling myself?
What matters to me here?
What do I need?
What would love require of me in this moment?
Healthy anger is not unfiltered anger.
It is understood anger.
Anger and Love Are Not Opposites
We often think love means never being angry.
But anger can actually be connected to love.
We become angry when something we care about is harmed.
A parent may feel anger when a child is mistreated.
A friend may feel anger when someone they love is betrayed.
We may feel anger toward injustice because we value dignity and truth.
The question is not simply whether anger exists.
The deeper question is:
Can our anger remain submitted to love?
Can anger move us toward truth instead of destruction?
Can it help us set boundaries without dehumanizing someone?
Can it motivate us to protect what is good without becoming consumed by resentment?
Can it reveal pain without becoming permission to harm?
That is where healthy anger becomes very different from rage.
“In Your Anger Do Not Sin”
Ephesians 4:26–27 gives us perhaps one of the clearest biblical frameworks for anger:
“In your anger do not sin.”
Scripture acknowledges that anger can exist without automatically becoming sin.
But it also warns us not to give anger unchecked authority.
Healthy anger requires stewardship.
We notice it.
We understand it.
We listen to what it reveals.
And then we decide what a loving, truthful, faithful response looks like.
That may require restraint.
It may require action.
It may require forgiveness.
It may require a boundary.
It may require grief.
But it always requires awareness.
Questions to Ask When You Feel Angry
If anger is one of your doorway emotions, here are a few questions worth sitting with:
What happened immediately before I became angry?
What did I feel was threatened, violated, or lost?
What do I value that feels at risk?
Is my anger protecting sadness, fear, rejection, or helplessness?
Do I tend to explode outward or implode inward?
What would it look like to express this anger without harming myself or someone else?
What might God be inviting me to understand through this emotion?
You do not have to answer every question immediately.
The goal is simply to become more curious and less afraid of what anger may be revealing.
Maybe Anger Is Not Your Biggest Problem
This episode feels especially personal to me because anger is one of my own doorway emotions.
For years, I tended to view anger mainly as something wrong and destructive.
And of course, it absolutely can become destructive when it is handled poorly.
But understanding anger as a companion rather than simply a problem changes the conversation.
Instead of asking only, How do I stop feeling angry?
I can ask:
Why am I angry?
What does this reveal?
What am I protecting?
What do I need to grieve?
That is a much more honest place to begin.
Anger Can Point Toward Healing
Anger is not the enemy.
But it is not meant to become our destination either.
Like sadness, anger is a doorway.
It can point toward what matters.
It can expose wounds.
It can alert us to loss.
It can help us recognize when something needs attention.
And when we learn to use anger rightly, it can become part of the pathway toward truth, freedom, love, and healing.
The goal is not to explode.
The goal is not to implode.
The goal is to understand.
Because sometimes the emotion we have spent years trying to get rid of is actually trying to lead us somewhere important.
Listen to Episode 5: Explosive, Implosive, or Healthy? Making Sense of Your Anger
This episode is part of Season 5 of Honey For Your Heart, We Grieve Our Losses, featuring Randy Hemphill.
In Episode 5, we explore why anger is not automatically sinful, what anger reveals about the things we value, the difference between explosive and implosive anger, and how healthy anger can become a companion in grief rather than a source of destruction.
Next week: Understanding anger is only the beginning. In Episode 6, we’ll talk about how to actually express anger in a healthy way—without hurting ourselves or the people we love.
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